I’m not finding this whole ‘not drinking’ thing very hard, not very hard at all. Having given up every year for 10years for about 6 weeks over lent probably helps. I’ve also been thinking about giving up for a while so am still in the, ‘I feel good about this achievement’ bit.

What I have noticed is the times I want to drink.

They have been way less about socialising or kicking back and way more triggered by stress.

I had a particularly stressful afternoon slash evening with the kids a while ago and ended up doing the sort of parenting I’m not proud of and instantly want to change (raising my voice etc). I went out before bed time (as pre-planned) and immediately got into a cycle of stress and guilt, trying to problem solve why the kids were the way they were, if I’d upset Stu, why I had behaved how I had, if the kids would be alright or if I’d messed them up forever… normal stuff!

Apart from this fruitless mental problem solving, I noticed that all I wanted to do was drink! Me and my friend stopped at a bar, and she had a drink and she asked me what I wanted… this was the hardest point so far for me but I resisted. She then asked if I wanted ice cream but I didn’t. I almost said yes in a ‘I deserve it, poor me’ kind of way, but I resisted that too. But I knew my body wanted something. Someone behind me was smoking, I wanted to smoke? Then I noticed the urge to swim in the sea. I think I was trying to avoid feeling the stress, feeling what was happening in my body. I think I wanted to numb it by having some other significant physical feeling; tipsy, sugar rush, head rush, freezing water.

No big surprise but I think I use alcohol to numb. Now, I want to feel, I want to feel the lows and the highs, for real.

My friend asked what I needed, I couldn’t verbalise it but while my head worked all this out she gave me a hug. I felt much better and kind of proud of myself for embracing the stress.